Top Ten Reasons to Learn Communication Skills

Study after study shows that effective communicators have longer marriages, deeper friendships, better relationships, more successful college and career experiences, make more money and are generally happier than their less articulate counterparts. Most people know communication is important, but they don't fully understand to what degree. Eighty-seven percent of everything we do during the day is communication related; communication is far more than just making speeches or having good manners. While you may manage to live your entire life without making a speech, you will not get through one day without communicating something to someone! Here are the top 10 reasons you and your children should learn effective communication skills.

1. Your Marriage
"It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman." -Proverbs 21:19

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, over half of all marriages end in divorce and the number one reason cited is lack of effective communication! By the way, that number doesn't improve if you only consider the Christian community. No two people are going to get along ALL the time. The trick in a long relationship isn't avoiding conflict, it's the successful resolution thereof! In addition, men and women communicate in completely different ways and sometimes for very different reasons. I talk about this in my book Say What You Mean Every Day, in chapter one, "How to Talk to Your Spouse 'Cuz You Must!"

2. Your Kids
"Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." -Colossians 3:21

Parents who communicate effectively with their children give them a clear sense of boundaries and security. They show them love and give them a sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Children who learn to communicate effectively can articulate their wants and needs. Those who don't are led to violent behavior in order to have those misunderstood needs met.

3. Your Ministry
"But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:" 1Peter 3:15

What harm does it do if you approach someone the wrong way about Jesus? The worst they can do is say no, right? Wrong! Someone who has been told repeatedly that they are going to hell may grow weary of people spiritually beating them up. It leaves them with a bad taste in their mouth about Jesus, Christianity or Christians in general. This can apply to other Christians who don't see things exactly as you do. "Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God-" 1 Cor 10:32

4. Your Education
"He who answers before listening-that is his folly and his shame." -Proverbs 18:13

"Students with ineffective listening skills fail to absorb much of the material to which they are exposed. Their problems are intensified when they respond incorrectly or inappropriately because of poor speaking skills." -National Communication Association study on Why Communication is Important

5. Your College Career
"From the fruit of his mouth a man's stomach is filled; with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied." -Proverbs 18:20

College applications require several essays these days. Not only do they evaluate your student's accomplishments, which are written into the essay, but they evaluate the ability of the student to convey this effectively. Admission officers are looking for articulate and accomplished candidates. If your student is accomplished but cannot convey that to a college admissions board, he will be passed over for one who can! Even the college entrance exams are communication skills-intensive these days.

6. Your Job Interview
"A fool's mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul." -Proverbs 18:7

These days, companies are looking for someone who is knowledgeable and confident without being arrogant. They ask interview questions designed to flush out your true desires and beliefs and they evaluate your appearance to help them judge which candidate is best. Not all of your interview is based on your resume; in fact, they will only grant an interview if you have a stellar resume! The resume is just the beginning of the job interview process. Interviewers will ask you things like, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" Employers want a concise, but not negative reason why you left your previous employment. According to a study in 2000 done by the National Association of Colleges and Employers, 1000 human resource managers ranked preferred skills for being hired as follows:
1) Oral Communication Skills,
2) Written Communication Skills and
3) Listening (which is a communication skill).

7. Climbing your Corporate Ladder
"He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend." -Proverbs 22:11

People with good communication skills are more likely to do a better job which would naturally result in promotions. Here are some of the results of various studies on the impact of communication skills on job success:

* Research done by the U.S. Department of Labor concluded that the skills most needed by employers in the 21st century that tomorrow's workers must master are "listening and speaking abilities."

* Persuasion skills and the ability to interact with others result in greater career advancement and higher salaries for graduates according to a 20 year-study of Stanford University MBA's.

8. Your Business
"Let your conversation always be full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." -Colossians 4:6

Business owners have to communicate on a variety of issues including
1) How to save time and money on your supplies,
2) Creating a communication package for your business,
3) How to present yourself as an expert in your field,
4) How to effectively handle customer service, complaints and returns,
5) How to make contacts,
6) Effective use of social networking groups,
7) Handling kids and business,
8) How/when to share your faith in business,
9) How to gain support from family and friends,
10) How to motivate your employees,
11) How to train your customer service staff, and
12) How to deal with customer relations and company image issues.

All of these issues involve mastering certain communication skills!

9. Your Friendships
"An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of the citadel." Proverbs 18:19

Good communicators enjoy
1) Self Confidence,
2) Leadership,
3) Personal Presence,
4) Credibility,
5) Ability to Explain and Persuade,
6) Understanding of Others, and
7) Interaction Enjoyment.

Every one of these qualities help us to make friends and maintain relationships!

10. Your Happiness
"A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver." -Proverbs 25:11

Studies show that effective communicators are actually happier than their counterparts. This is precisely because they have happier marriages, better friendships and relationships, better careers, make more money and are fulfilled. They know how to get the things they want and need in life because they know how to communicate those wants and needs effectively.

In today's complicated and secular world, miscommunication and misunderstanding abounds and, because of this, it takes far more communication skill to get along in the world these days. Further, each aspect of communication requires different skills and techniques in order to master. For these reasons, the Lord mentions communication skills HUNDREDS of times in His Word. Communication skills are vital for all relationships, for career success, and most importantly, are imperative in order to fulfill The Great Commission. God talks about communication skills in His Word literally hundreds of times. Isn't it about time we heeded His warnings and studied them?

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Effective Communication Skills: How To Improve

Understanding how to improve communication skills is a difficult task for many people, and in most cases it is easy to see why. Many people find interacting with other uncomfortable, and often fear going outside of their communication comfort zone. In other cases, people do not realize that they indeed require improvement in their communication skills. Therefore the improvement process requires evaluating the individuals existing skills and determining where change would be beneficial, and then more importantly, the best way to approach that improvement.

Any strategy for correction should begin with an understanding of what communication skills are. They include the tactical tenets of communication including speaking, writing, reading, and listening, however they also include more dialed-down skills such empathetic and active listening, appropriate physical reaction and response, and context comprehension. We develop our communication skills over time after countless hours of interaction with other people. During this development we unfortunately learn and assimilate bad habits that are often difficult to break.

Understanding how to improve communication skills is beneficial because in some cases a persons communication abilities suffer an arrested development during their formative years, and they enter adulthood lacking effective interaction abilities. In many cases people would argue that their personality dictates their communication style and thus their interaction skill-set, however it could be argued that our communication development in many ways influences our personality. Our communication style and skills form our public image and concept of self-identity. Improving communication skills will improve how those around you perceive you and improve your connection with them.

While a how-to template will aid you in improving your communication skills, it is important to note that any template must be tailored and customized to suit the idiosyncrasies of the individual. The final goals and objectives will remain paramount and therefore inflexible, however, there is always room to mold your own how-to plan from the basic structure of a template. For instance, some self-improvement programs call for a certain volume and type of practice that may not be compatible with your time constraints or comfort level.

Self-improvement is an important phase in the personal development process, and there are many rewards for proactively seeking to correct personal shortcomings. It is important to consider why you want to invite change before you decide how to improve communication skills. Effective interpersonal communication is an important component of a healthy lifestyle, and any effort to improve is a positive endeavor. Consider for a moment how many hours a day you spend communicating and interacting with those around you? With a loved one when you woke up this morning? With the bus driver on the way to work? The sales clerk at the morning coffee shop? Your colleague in the cubicle next to you as you discuss your most recent assignment? As you receive direction on that assignment from your immediate manager.

How to Improve Communication Skills Template

1. Take some time and care to recognize and note how you communicate with those around you. Analyze your speaking style including tone, volume, and diction. Analyze your writing style including spelling and grammar, neatness, and vocabulary.

2. Identify problems, conflicts, or contradictions in how you communicate with the world around you. These trouble areas will become the focus of your improvement plan.

3. Identify the situations where you feel comfortable and don't feel comfortable implementing change.

4. Adjust your existing objectives to include newly discovered short-terms goals.

5. Identify opportunities to "practice" and look for avenues for feedback throughout the process. Self-monitoring and review is also helpful to grade your progress.

It is important to be patient throughout the process as self-improvement on any scale can take considerable time. For those individuals that feel they need a helping hand in any of the steps that were just listed, there are assistance programs and templates available. A number of academic institutions or professional counselors and tutors offer courses and seminars that provide communication skills training. Similarly, there are various online communication tests that allow the individual to assess their strengths and weaknesses.

After taking the leap and determining how to improve communication skills, there are a few simple recommendations to aid the individual through this enlightening process;

- When speaking remember to move at a steady and appropriate pace, use pauses when needed, and try to enunciate words to avoid slurring.

- Also when speaking, focus on using appropriate volume, including volume changes for effect where necessary, and appropriate tone.

- Prepare yourself for speaking engagements or parties. If you typically experience breakdowns or prolonged pauses in these situations take the time beforehand to brush up on names and backgrounds. Practice asking and then answering questions to yourself, for example, ask yourself 'How have you been? What have you been up-to?' and then answer yourself. Recognize the context of the engagement; a formal affair dictates a different communication style than an informal, and thus these skills may need to be used in a different manner.

- For written documents, make an effort to proof read final copies.

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Learning Great Communication Skills

To be successful in life, you need to have great communication skills, involving not only talking, but also listening. Communication allows you to make a connection to another person while gaining an understanding of what that individual has to say. Many people do not realize that communication involves many different forms, each that must be mastered, which includes oral, written, and even visual. Once you become highly skilled with communication skills, you will find that life is easier, on a personal and business level.

However, poor communication skills result in all types of problems such as:
Inaccurate messages sent or received Important directions being misunderstood Confusion over questions asked Concern regarding level of performance Trust being damaged or broken

The truth is that communication skills on any level are critical. For instance, in the business world, being able to communicate with other employees, vendors, sales staff, managers, and of course customers, means better business overall. Communication on a personal level ensures misunderstandings between couples, parents, children, and friends are avoided. As mentioned, communication is not just talking but also listening, which includes:

Passive Listening

Passive listening involves hearing spoken words but not absorbing them or taking action, if necessary.

Active Listening

Active listening involves hearing and understanding words spoken, which means you then have the ability to take any appropriate action.

In addition, every person should learn ways to use open-ended questions when trying to get someone to make a commitment. Finally, learning ways to read body language is another form of communication that is quite powerful. Some people call this "silent communication", which is a great form that should not be overlooked. Remember though that good communication does not mean confrontation.

Good personal communication boils down to breaking out of the traditional mold by making a concerted effort to improve life. Yes, this requires discipline and time but knowing how to communicate the right way is worth the investment. Once you master skills for listening and hearing, you will find that life is much easier. For you to learn good communication skills, you must have all of the following:

Respect

Remember that just because you are respectful in a conversation does not mean you are in agreement with what the other person is saying. In fact, you might have vast differences but showing respect is what helps you hear the other person's point of view and perhaps, you might learn something.

Listen

One of the hardest communication skills people have to learn is being a good listener. This is not just listening, but hearing what the person is saying so you can analyze the information. With this, you would then know the next steps to take.

Willingness

Be willing to communicate and remember that communication is often challenging but by talking and listening, you actually grow personally by being in better control and showing patience.

No two people communicate the same way. Everyone uses different words, has different skills levels, and uses different methods for getting points across. All you need to do is worry about yourself, being patient and accepting the fact that good communication skills put you in better control.

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How To Master Basic Communication Skills

I have a problem with the term 'basic communication skills'; my problem is that this term implies that these skills are very simple and that you are somehow lacking and weak if you don't have them. Certain communication skills are certainly 'basic' to the extent that they are very necessary and that a lot of the success of communication has to be built upon these foundations.

But it is by no means true to say that everyone should somehow naturally possess these skills, which is a slur on those who find communication difficult. Communication skills can be earned.

In every situation and every occupation in adult life, it helps to have certain communication skills.

Verbal Communication:

1. You should be able to speak clearly and concisely to either report factual information or convey an opinion. This is quite a straightforward skill to practice and you can even start by practising on your friends; they will be glad to hear your opinions.

2. Practice speaking to groups as well as individuals; that is quite a different skill to ensure that everyone is included and that everyone gets your message.

3. When you are thinking of improving your verbal communication skills, is it your choice of language, your style of delivery or the way you speak which needs to be worked on? You could ask the advice of a friend or trusted colleague on that as it is sometimes difficult to judge for yourself.

4. You might want to consider taking an acting class or a course on diction to help you to improve your communication skills; local colleges often offer a variety of these courses. You may also find courses in specific areas of communications skills such as customer services, hospitality and conflict management.

Written Communication:

1. Written communication is a different skill to verbal communication; getting your ideas of paper is something that a lot of people find difficult, whether they are an aspiring novelist or someone who finds it difficult to write a concise, understandable e-mail.

2. Learning how to use grammar properly is often the key to clearer written communication. Most jobs and most purposes of writing will require you to have an adequate grasp of grammar. Grammar is definitely something in which you should easily be able to find a course offered at your local college. You could improve your grammar through a business writing course or one aimed at creative writing, whichever you would prefer.

Alternatively, you can find self-help books and workbooks to learn the skills of grammar at your own pace, in your own home. You can also find online writing courses to help you a lot in this area.

Listening:

1. The ability to listen well is the key to understanding communication; in order to do that, you need to fully focus your attention on the speaker to begin with.

2. You can develop your knowledge along with your listening skills by checking out audio tapes and video tapes, perhaps ones loaned from the local library, and practicing fully attending to what is being said on them. You will soon realize that we very often only listen with part of our attention in normal life, but once you have practiced your listening skills you will be able to discern much more from what is being said to you.

Practising these speaking and listening skills will enable you to much more effectively share your opinions with others and defend what you think against their opposing ideas.

Practise your writing and you can express what you want to whomever you wish. When you have practised communicating for a while you will be able to communicate clearly and concisely and be assertive without appearing rude.

A really fun way to become good at such a skill it to listen to radio phone-ins or chat show; you can do this easily, listening to the radio on your drive into work, for instance. Listen out for how people articulate their views and how others receive the messages, depending on how they are expressed.

You will find it fun and quite easy to develop your basic communication skills once you begin to look for opportunities like this.

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Communication Skills Training Primer

We all stand to benefit from ongoing communication skills training. This is because communication skills are one of the most vitally important sets of skills a person can ever hope to acquire, in both personal and business relationships. Also, with so many forms and styles of communication possible, and so many unique personality types in any cross section of people, having good communication skills is arguable a fairly broad, ambitious goal.  

The good news is, being a good communicator is a learned set of skills. We are all born with varying levels of natural talent at any given skill - but we all have the option of getting better at those skills, and that includes communication. 

Types Of Communication

As we all know, there are many, many forms of communication taking place in modern society on a daily basis. In fact, we are constantly bombarded with communication whether we like it or not. A large percentage are marketing messages in one form or another, and they are delivered by email, mobile phones, online ads, TV commercials, telemarketers, and the list goes on. 

But, what most of us think about when discussing communication skills is that of verbal communication, whether face-to-face, or in a group setting. Arguably, it is this realm of communication where peoples' relationships, careers, and lives to some extent, are truly impacted significantly by their communication skills.  

Along those lines, here is some very interesting data courtesy of Wikipedia, regarding interpersonal communication: 

55% of impact is determined by body language-postures, gestures, and eye contact, 38% by the tone of voice, and 7% by the content or the words used in the communication process.  So, I ask you - is there anything immediately noteworthy about the above statements? Anyone? 

Yes, you are correct: Only SEVEN percent (7%) of our interpersonal communication is impacted significantly by the, well to quote, the "content of the words used in the communication process." The rest of the influence over the communication process is defined by the body language primarily, and secondarily, our tone of voice.  

In other words, what you say is a lot LESS important than how you say it - and I would venture it is fair to say, a lot less important than most of us ever would have guessed - had we not taken time to be good students of communication skills by writing and reading articles like this one =) but I digress. 

When you think about it, this does make sense. Have you ever met a person that, for example, is an immigrant with limited command over the primary spoken language, and yet launches a thriving, successful business or has the highest sales quota in their organization? That is a testament to this principal in action. And, this provides a clue for where to begin in the process of improving our communication skills.

Communication Skills Training

Knowing how important our body language and tone of voice is provides a great basis for where to begin with communication skills training. We are talking about things like having a posture that is relaxed and open, rather than tense, closed, or aggressive. Things like choosing to use a personable, interesting, rhythmic voice while talking or presenting, rather than droning on in an endless, monotone voice. And then there is perhaps the most simple, yet arguably most powerful nonverbal communication tool any of us could ever have; putting a smile on your face, like this:  =)   See how good that works?

Whether you are interested in on the job advancement and success, or improving your relationship with your spouse, investing in solid communication skills training is an investment in yourself that pays very big dividends. The good news is, there is a ton of very simple, powerful techniques you can learn to vastly improve your communication skills. It's not rocket science, and it is not an inborn "talent". It just takes some practice, and optionally, the guidance of skilled communication coach.

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Work Place Communication Skills

Communication being the mother of all skills must be mastered by one and all for professional as well as personal success. Communication is an art which has to be mastered by the professionals irrespective of their position. The components of communication are Listening, Speaking, Reading and Writing (LSRW). If you master these components, you will become good manager and able to get the things done to the satisfaction of your superiors.

Listening being the first component of Communication skill, one has to practice this skill with all the attentiveness required to reciprocate, react and to give constructive feedback.
Without listening one cannot be effective in discharging their duties in the workplace.
In a nutshell, listening is considered as the key skill in communicating with others. For example, if you do not listen attentively, you cannot discharge your duties effectively to the satisfaction of your boss. You may lose the edge over your competitors in the workplace. Your appraisal may not be up to the mark. If you are a Secretary or a Stenographer, you must be more attentive compared to others. One small mistake committed due to lack of attention may put the project in problem which you are handling. Proactive listening will help you to climb the ladder of success. Active listening is that wherein you are active only in listening, but proactive listening will motivate and prompts you to take action on the points which you have listened through your boss, peers or subordinates. This will help you to become a key member of the team. You have take the expression as it is while listening to the speaker but should not react immediately.

Speaking can be mastered only with practice. The ability to speak clearly will determine the effectiveness of the individual in the workplace. Your clarity of thought is reflected in your way of speaking and choosing the right words. Choosing the right words for the right occasion to express in the right place and with right people will help you to master the art of speaking. One has to practice this art of speaking by understanding the situation and the vocabulary of different industry segments with which you are associated. SIP in the field of education means Summer Internship program but the same SIP sounds different in the field of banking i.e. Systematic Investment Plan. Before globalization the jargon of recruitment is different from post globalization. Previously it was recommendation and now it was with reference you can find a placement of your choice. Now-a-days, many are spelling the word schedule as schedule due to the influence of American work culture in the Indian Work Place. Observation also will help you to become a good speaker. Positive expression while talking to your boss, peers, and subordinates will create positive vibes in the workplace. You should not go to your boss with the word 'complaint' in your expression; instead you must rearrange the sentence with the expression as 'I would like to bring to your kind notice'. This way, one can master speaking skills in the workplace and help in creating positive vibrations in the workplace.

Emotional intelligence/balance while speaking will give you edge over others. One must be Assertive communicator while talking to others. Aggressive communication or reaction will spoil the atmosphere and may not help in getting the things done. The communication must be apt to the situation and should not express in over tones.

Your perception will influence your way of communicating with others. One should not impose the perception or opinion on others through their way of expression. You must give choice and freedom to others to choose and express their view point. If you are precise and pin pointed with your communication, you can avoid politics in the work place. You can avoid grapevine in the workplace. You can avoid heart burns in the work place.

Reading maketh a complete man. This quote reflects the importance of reading in the life of a professional. Reading also includes studies, wherein you have to try to improve your qualifications and skills which would help move fast on the career path. Lack of reading skills or not concentrating much on reading the latest developments in your field will make you a novice in the workplace. Those who update knowledge of their field continuously will climb the ladder of success in the workplace without many hassles. Those who doesn't concentrate on improving their reading skills will not be in the race of promotion or any kind of other career developing appraisals happen from time to time in the continuous learning organizations.

Writing i.e. letter drafting and report writing forms part of the life of a professional wherein one has to possess these skills to become an effective manager. A professional has to master the art of writing which is useful in the workplace to communicate effectively and to assert his stand in every situation. Lack of writing skills will be an obstruction in the progress of one's career path and can mar the future prospects.

Barriers in communication can be overcome with concentration and observation. Focusing on the mode of communication and its effectiveness will help to reduce the effectiveness of barriers in communication. In an 'open cabin culture' in the work place, one cannot expect 'noiseless' atmosphere. Cell phones in the workplace also will become barriers for effective communication. To avoid barriers in communication in the workplace, one has to develop 'accommodating culture'.

Basics of Effective Communication

o It matters not so much what you say as it does how you say it.
o Your communication style is a SET of various behaviors and methods of relaying information that impact all facets of life.
o The goal should always be to understand - not to be right.
o Get the facts before you pass judgment. Some styles lend themselves better to this than others.
o Learning all communication styles is important in order to avoid communicating in less effective ways and in order to recognize those styles in others so as to be able to deal with them.
o People are not difficult. They only seem difficult to the extent that we do not have the skills to deal with what they bring to the table. It is our lack of knowledge that makes the situation difficult.

Which is the Best Style?

o All styles have their proper place and use.
o Assertive communication is the healthiest.
- Boundaries of all parties are respected.
- Easier to problem-solve; fewer emotional outbursts.
- It requires skills and a philosophy change, as well as lots of practice and hard work.
- When both parties do it, no one is hurt in any way and all parties win on some level.

Understanding Communication Styles - Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Communication -

Passive Communication

o Allowing our own rights to be violated by failing to express our honest feelings.
o The goal of being a passive communicator is to avoid conflict no matter what.
o Little risk involved - very safe.
o Little eye contact, often defers to others' opinions, usually quiet tone, may suddenly explode after being passive too long.

Examples of Passive Communication

o "I don't know."
o "Whatever you think."
o "You have more experience than I. You decide."
o "I'll go with whatever the group decides."
o "I don't care. It doesn't matter to me."
o "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. . . NO!"

Aggressive Communication

o Protecting one's own rights at the expense of others' rights - no exceptions.
o The goal of the aggressor is to win at all costs; to be right.
o Does not consider actions a risk because this person thinks they will always get their way. It is risky in terms of relationships, however.
o Eye contact is angry and intimidating; lots of energy; loud and belittling; never defers to others, or at least does not admit to; manipulative and controlling. Often uses violence or verbal abuse.

Examples of Aggressive Communication

o "I don't know why you can't see that this is the right way to do it."
o "It's going to be my way or not at all."
o "You're just stupid if you think that will work."
o "That kind of logic will sink the company."
o "Who cares what you feel. We're talking about making things work here."

Passive-Aggressive Communication

o Forfeiting your own rights initially, followed by manipulation and vengeance later.
o The goal of this style is to avoid conflict and then make the other party wish they had seen it your way.
o Avoids risk initially, risks relationships later, then acts surprised when people are mad.
o Behaves passively to people's face, then aggressively when they are not around. Often uses sarcasm.

Examples of Passive-Aggressive Communication

o "Sure, doctor. I'd be happy to write that verbal order," but back on the unit the order is "forgotten."
o "I love your hair. Most people probably can't even tell it's a wig."
o "I hear what you're saying, and I wouldn't want to make waves, so I'll do what you say even though someone will probably get sued."

Assertive Communication

o Protecting your own rights without violating the rights of others.
o The goal of the assertive person is to communicate with respect and to understand each other; to find a solution to the problem.
o Takes a risk with others in the short run, but in the long run relationships are much stronger.
o Eye contact maintained; listens and validates others; confident and strong, yet also flexible; objective and unemotional; presents wishes clearly and respectfully.

Examples of Assertive Communication

o "So what you're saying is. . . ."
o "I can see that this is important to you, and it is also important to me. Perhaps we can talk more respectfully and try to solve the problem."
o "I think. . . I feel. . . I believe that. . . ."
o "I would appreciate it if you. . ."

Assertiveness Skills

I - Persistence

1. Stay focused on the issue - do not get distracted, defensive, or start justifying yourself.
2. Repeat the "bottom line" to keep the conversation on track and your issues on the table (e.g., "I understand that, however we are talking about. . .").
3. Alternative styles would withdraw or would escalate this to a battle of wills that would override compromise.

II - Objectivity

1. Focus on the problem, not on the emotions that often accompany and cloud problems. Postpone discussion if emotions cannot be contained.
2. Use the validation skill (next) to handle others' emotions so you can focus on objective issues.

III - Validation

o Allow people to have their experience, but try to move beyond it to a discussion about the problem.
o You do not necessarily have to disagree or agree - people's perspectives are important, but they are not the heart of the issue, so don't make a battle over them. Validate them and get to the issue.
o "If that's how you see it, that's fine."
o "I can see that this upsets you, and from your perspective, I can see why. Now, what can we do to make this better for both of us?"

IV - Owning

o Being assertive means you also must own what is yours to own. If the other person has a point about your behavior, own it (this is the ". . .without violating the rights of others" part). Bulldozing over that is aggressive.
o Accept someone's criticism as feedback rather than an attack. (e.g., "You could be right about that. . .", "That is entirely possible, knowing me. . .") Where is the value in fighting another's negative opinion about us? Perspective is hard to change when directly challenged. This shows that IF their perspective were true, you'd own it.

V - Challenging False Information

o When attacked with false and negative statements, do not fall prey to defensiveness. That only escalates emotions.
o Look for the grain of truth and validate it. This knocks barrier walls down and opens the door for discussion about the real problem.
o At times people are rigid and a more forceful stance is needed. E.g., "I'm sorry, I simply do not see it that way, but you are more than entitled to your opinion."
o Disagree, using factual information. E.g., "Actually, I was at work, so that could not have been me."

VI - Pumping the Negatives

o When criticized, ask for more negative feedback - do so assertively, as though you are trying to learn more about how to be better in that area (and in fact, that should be your goal). E.g., "Tell me more about what is bothering you about my report."
o Stay task oriented!!! If you slip into emotions and get offended, you lose. Pump practical negatives (not baseless criticisms) and how your actions can be improved to help solve the problems.

VII - Humor

o Humor breaks down negative emotions.
o Humor can put tense situations at ease.
o When grain of truth is found, joke about it while owning it.
o Be careful to use humor appropriately and professionally.

When Aggression is Appropriate

o In an emergency
o When there is not time to spend on a compromise.
o When your opinion is based on several facts, you therefore KNOW you are right, and there is not time to utilize assertiveness skills.

When Passivity is Appropriate

o When the results of pushing the issue would cause problems that outweigh the benefits.
o When issues are minor.
o When there is a power differential that is not in your favor and the other party is getting agitated by your assertiveness.
o When the other individual's position is impossible to change. (E.g., the law).

What is "Okay" in Assertive Behavior?

o It is okay to say "I don't know."
o It is okay to say "No," or "I cannot do that."
o It is okay to make mistakes as long as responsibility is taken for them.
o It is okay to disagree and to verbalize that.
o It is okay to challenge others' opinions or actions.
o It is okay to not accept another's opinion as factual or accurate (e.g., getting criticized).
o It is okay to ask for a change in behavior.

Cultivate the habit of communicating assertively, to enhance your effectiveness in the workplace. Measurable performance is always assessed by way of your positive communication skills. If you are not an effective communicator, you may not be in a position to sell yourself effectively in the workplace. Thus, effective communication plays vital role for your success in professional life as well as in your personal life.

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